[a live] Desperate

I have problem. The problem’s terribly unbearable and I always think that I have no solution to fix it. I am trapped and I cannot even move my mind to think. I am stuck!

Yeah, I despair of ever doing some failed things in my past life. And now, I am on my way to yield to this cruel situation. I accept that I am fated to be failed in all temptations (again and again). I turn into such a coward- I am easily frightened- and it’s terrible that I am frightened of everything; even a little thing, even a very easy things! Poor me 😦

I think this is a kind of psychological illness and it’s serious. I am in miserable condition, racked with unreal pain, and it leads me to despair. I’ve tried hard to relieve the despair in me; but through it all, I failed. I fell into the deeper desperation and I foolishly kept staying there, until now. Yeah, ‘a desperate game player’, may always be my destiny. Coz thousands times I tried mean thousands times I failed. Hiks.

This psychological illness grew firstly when I opened my psycho-test result, a couple months ago. I read that result deeply and found that it was terrible. It written that one of my weakness was XXX (in this note, it always will be written XXX) and it was shocking me. For whole my life, I always tried not to be like that, but since that day I knew that I was fated to be like that. I was so desperate!

XXX has been being my major enemy for almost 6 years. It coiled me up and it was successfully made my day smashed. I hated to be XXX and I tried not to be XXX. And started 6 years ago, I, then, rearranged my life from chaos to be well-organized.  I wrote both my talents and weakness on a piece of paper. I promised to improve my talents and throw all weakness away (including XXX). Yeah, I was officially the only one who knew both of my talents and weakness very well, so that I could wrote them detail.

As time goes by, I did my best to throw XXX away from myself. I was sure that I succeed. I liked living, and I still knew quite certainly that just to be alive was a grand thing. I lived normally coz I thought that XXX wasn’t my part anymore. My self confidence increased so high and I became on top.

But, the disaster started when i read my psychotest result. I found that XXX was still in me, and I didn’t want to accept it. It’s too impossible to accept, i thought. How can my effort for almost 6 years has meant nothing? It’s not fair.

Then i started hating life. I hated to be myself. I couldn’t focus on anything but XXX. I lost my self confidence. I lost all hopes. I despaired. And the most terrible thing was, I left my life goals behind. I wanted nothing but sitting down and talked about nothing.

How poor I was. This disaster tragically started when I had a poor condition of believing in Him. I was so far from Him. And it made my psychological sickness got worst. I was dying though my body was alright. And it was bad, so bad!

In this kind of situation, I think it’s not fair to ask of others what I am unable to do myself. That’s why I act as though I could handle it alone. I show my best smile to everyone. I hide any despair. And i pretend as if I had such a normal life.

I think this is the best way that i can take. I don’t want to trouble anybody or involve them in this absurd problem. How can i ask their help if i am not even sure what my problem is? Or, how can i tell them about this sickness if I actually look very healthy? How can? No one can cure me but my own self (with Allah’s willing of course). And only to Him I will rely for help.

I am so sorry, Allah, My Lord! I know You might hate me. I am maybe included as a few people who are thankful (as it said in Qur’an). But I love You, I want to be Your good servant. And i want to be thankful for every single day You give. I want, I want. And when someday I am back to ‘normal’ -which i am sure i will-, I must realize that You are The Most Merciful, and i have no reason to complain this wonderful life. Aamiin 🙂


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